Have you ever had one of those experiences where you feel like you're outside your own body, watching yourself? You know the feeling: You're looking at the situation through your own eyes, but you feel mentally disconnected from what's going on?
Well, that happened to me yesterday.
I'm not going to go into detail here, but let's just say that my 6-year-old son pissed me off. No wait, let me rephrase that: My son really, really, REALLY pissed me off. He did something that he KNEW DARN WELL would get him into trouble, and didn't even seem to care.
I've lost my temper with him before, it comes with the territory of motherhood. Luckily for me, my son is FAR more forgiving than I will ever deserve.
Anyway, as I just said, I've gotten angry at my son before, but for some reason I COMPLETELY flipped my lid yesterday. I actually got down on my son's eye level, looked him directly in the eyes and SCREAMED IN HIS FACE:
"YOU ARE SIX YEARS OLD!!! YOU KNOW BETTER, DON'T YOU?!?!?"
Then I stormed out of the room, slammed the door behind me and left my son, alone and emotionally shattered.
As I walked away, still fuming, it was as though my soul suddenly returned to me and I became fully aware of what had just happened:
I actually screamed in my son's face. What was wrong with me? I never do stuff like that. I mean, I do get pretty angry at him, but NOTHING like that. It was as though some demon had come through and taken possession of me for that one moment in time, making me do something so completely against my character that my actual soul literally could not exist inside my body.
It might sound like a crazy theory, but it's the only explanation I can come up with.
I mean, think about it: I adore my son. This is a little boy with the tenderest heart on the planet. He is sweet, loving, extremely intelligent, and (in most cases) wants nothing more than to make someone else happy.
And I--his mother, the one person in the world he should feel the safest with--destroyed him in less than twelve words.
As I came to my senses, I just kept saying to myself over and over again: "I'm going to Hell. I'm going to Hell." What else will happen to a mother that screeches at her own son like that? I felt terrible.
Finally, after I'd sufficiently calmed down and mentally flogged myself, I called CT in to talk to me. I pulled him into my lap and hugged him, apologized profusely for screaming at him like that, and made a promise: "I promise that I will do everything I possibly can to never scream at you like that again." **[Notice how I didn't promise to never yell at him again? I mean, I'm only human!]**
Then I proceeded to explain to him in a MUCH more rational manner the reason that he was in trouble, and what the consequences would be if he repeated the offense. He gave me a big hug, offered me his forgiveness, and I let him have a big chocolate chip cookie.
Either way, it looks as though I'll have to start over again with those "Getting into Heaven Credits." I blew them all yesterday.
To CT: Thanks for being so forgiving to your all-too-flawed mother and for loving me no matter how many stupid things I do! I love you, Buddy! :)
Aw! He doesn't look like he could intentionally make anyone angry...
ReplyDeleteThat being said...I looked like an angel too and I know I did a lot of things just to see how far I could go and how far I could push. My mother yelled right in my face more than once...
At least you feel bad. I don't think my mother ever did. Good for you. I wouldn't worry about that whole Heaven thing.
Well, I think you did the right thing leaving the room when you did. Sometimes you end up getting angry with yourself for getting so angry, and it builds like a vicious circle.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I'm just guessing. I've never yelled at my kid *wink* *wink*
Anyway, I think you'll be alright. They probably don't have a room reserved for you in Hell just yet.
Chanel: Beautiful, isn't he? :)
ReplyDeleteHe really is a sweet kid, but he has a streak of rebellion in him that just drives me nuts sometimes! However, I usually do NOT lose it like that with him, no matter what he does.
I tear myself up inside when I do something to hurt anyone's feelings, especially my kids'. Caden is a very tender boy, and although he tries to put on a brave face most of the time, I know that even the slightest rebuke from me just breaks his heart. I really need to be more diligent to make sure this does NOT happen again.
Thanks for your vote of Heavenly confidence. Maybe my self-reproach has been severe enough to help me out there. :)
Bryan: I'm definitely glad I left the room. I could FEEL the fury building inside me as I watched his eyes filling with tears, and you're right--it was because I was absolutely HATING myself for hurting him like that. I felt terrible. Even if you have never yelled at your kid, [*Wink* *Wink*], I'd say your guess is a pretty good one. :)
Thanks for helping me out on the Hell thing. I hope you're right!
I think it was really good that you explained to him what happened and said you were sorry, I think he got more from that than anything else. I think you're clear on the Heaven and Hell credits.....
ReplyDeleteYeah, pretty adorable. And, you know, I generally don't say that about kids. Mostly they just look evil to me. That makes it that much more significant.
ReplyDeleteBeen there. Done that.
ReplyDeleteI don't say this to be callous, but instead to show empathy for the feeling of "wrongness" after that kind of emotional outburst. When I've felt that, it was like, "I just ruined my kid. There's no turning back now." But there is. There has to be. I think if you recognize that, you're a good person. It's the people that don't see anything wrong with doing this to their kids that I worry about.
Alessandra: Yeah, I think taking the time to explain things to him is really the best way to help him learn. It's just REALLY hard to be rational when he's intentionally breaking rules...
ReplyDeleteSo far as the Heaven and Hell credits, I think I'm about the same today as I was yesterday...give or take a few. :)
Chanel: Thanks. I most definitely see the significance of you giving my son that particular compliment. And as a side note: I can tell you on good authority, he's not evil. :)
Brent: It's good to know I'm not the only one who's lost it like that. And thank you for the empathy and encouragement. It's good to hear that kind of thing from a fellow parent. :)
Been there done that we all have times when we think what the hell came over me why did I flip out like that.
ReplyDeleteChildren are so forgiving even when they have the shittest of parents like my nephew Dawson his mother leave a lot to be desired as a mother but he still loves her.......so you know your boy will have forgot about your little outburst by now.
As long as there is more positives then negatives in his life he will turn out great........
I have also been there and done that. And you did what I have done, admitted I was wrong for yelling and losing my temper. Parents arent perfect, we make mistakes, but it is okay to admit to a child when you get it wrong and apologise.
ReplyDeleteIt is all about respect
Jo-Anne: Thanks for your input. It really does help when people remind me that I'm not the only imperfect parent out there. Caden has a long memory, but he really is very forgiving. I honestly do hope that there are more positives than negatives in his life with me as his mother. I really do try to make sure he knows I love him, no matter how many times I screw up and hurt his feelings.
ReplyDeleteMynx: I fully agree that it is more than appropriate to apologize to a child and ask for their forgiveness. Too many parents underestimate their children and don't see the necessity of apologizing to them. But those kids definitely deserve our respect just as much as we deserve theirs.
...must be the name. There's a Caden living under my roof, a young man four years of age, who tends to bring out the devil in us quite often. You'll be fine...deep breaths and patience...and all's well at bed time:)
ReplyDeleteEL
Elliot: What is it about kids that bring out the best AND worst in their parents? It's just one of life's big mysteries, I guess.
ReplyDeleteBedtime is VERY nice for parents, isn't it? All is quiet, and those kids just look so sweet and peaceful when they're asleep...Sigh...
PS: Welcome! And thanks for the follow! :)
I LOVE that you're taking the time to reflect on this instead of pretending like it never happened. You readjusted and you dealt with the situation. But of course I can't comment without chiming in reassuringly, and I'd say not only are you human, but you have nothing to worry about the whole Hell-and-the-devil deal. I don't think you're his type. =)
ReplyDeleteNicki: I don't believe in sweeping things like this under the rug. I make FAR too many mistakes for a plan like that to work. Besides, I suffer from EXTREME guilt for even the tiniest things. I'd go insane.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind words. It helps a lot to have some encouragement from an outside source, and it really does make me feel better.
Even better than that, it seems that according to everyone's votes, I still have a few "Getting into Heaven Credits" after all. :)