Yep. I'd Do it Again...

She gave us her birthday list months ago. She had 3 specific things that she wanted for her birthday:

1) An Apple White doll
2) A Raven Queen doll
3) A Pink Ukulele she saw at the local music store, with a dolphin-shaped bridge.

I knew that those dolls were at Target. I'd seen them there multiple times. It's a popular show, and a series of books, of course they were there! The ukulele seemed to be a bit of a stretch for a 6 year old, though. It's really nice, and rather expensive to be giving to such a young girl. Therefore, we decided to stick with the dolls. I had it all planned out. To avoid the hassle of having to go and figure out the mess myself, I went online, to Target.com and tried to purchase the dolls there. They claimed to have both of them in stock at our local store, but one of them had to be purchased on site, and was therefore unavailable online. It was annoying, but I figured: "Okay well, I'll just purchase two of this one that I can get online, and then when I get there, I'll swap one of them out for the one I want there on site."

I get the chiddlers dropped off at school, and immediately head to Target to pick up our online order. When I get there, the girl hands me two of...the wrong doll! They didn't even HAVE the one I thought I was purchasing online, or the one that they supposedly had in stock there at the store! I asked the girl what was going on, and she said: "Oh, well since these dolls are all on sale right now, we have them all (no matter WHICH character they are) under the same scanning code."

I felt my inner ogre raising its ugly head as I said: "So basically, ordering these online is pointless, because they're all under the same number and there's no way of knowing what I'm actually buying." She at least had the decency to look sheepish as she said: "Yes. That's about right." Then she said: "You can go back there and see if you can find what you're looking for." I almost told her to shove it, but then I figured it couldn't really hurt to go and look around for myself, just in case. So I found the right aisle, and spent a good ten minutes pawing through all of these dolls - twice - only to find that the ones I was looking for were not to be found anywhere on those shelves.

Conceding defeat, I went back to the Customer Service desk, and reported that my search had been unsuccessful. The girl behind the counter said: "I can give you the phone numbers of some other stores that have the same deal going on. You could call and have them look to make sure they have it before you go there. I'm really sorry about this." I was annoyed by the situation, but I realized that it wasn't this girl's fault. So I didn't get in her face, or even let loose any of my frustration. Her plan sounded somewhat sensible, so I took the phone numbers and the unwanted dolls that I'd paid for - planning to switch them out for the ones I wanted once I'd found them - and left.

As I headed north, to the next Target store within range, I called the first one on my list. The one that was about a 45 minute drive from where I was to see if they had the dolls I wanted. I talked to a girl from the toy department, and she put me on hold for several minutes while she went and looked for the dolls. She came back and said: "Okay, I have the Raven Queen doll, but I don't have the Apple White." And I said, (knowing that the series had a few variations of these characters, based on some different episodes from the show, where they're all dressed up differently than usual), "Is it the normal one, the original?" She said, "Yes, it is. Do you want me to hold it for you?" Feeling immensely relieved that I'd at least succeeded in finding one of these things, I said: "Yes! I'll be there in a little while." Then I gave her my name, and hung up, feeling more hopeful.

On my way there, I decided to visit the Target store that I would have to pass by in order to get to the Target store that was supposed to be holding this doll for me. It wasn't on the list that the girl from the first Target gave me, but I figured it couldn't hurt to try, since it was on my way anyways, right? I went, I searched the shelves more than once, and I failed to find what I was looking for. I found one Apple White doll that was somewhat close to what I wanted, but she was dressed in a swimming suit, and I knew it just wasn't quite what my daughter wanted. I figured it might work as a Plan B, so I bought it. I looked at the time, and realized that there was little chance of my being able to get to this next store that was holding the Raven Queen doll and get back in time to pick up my daughter from school. Sigh.

I called my mom, and she kindly agreed to pick AJ up from school for me so I could have some extra time to figure out this ridiculous situation in which I had landed myself. So I got onto the freeway, again, and headed to the store that was my one ray of hope. I pull into the parking lot, grab the two unwanted dolls that I had been schlepping around all morning, and hurry inside, telling the lady at the Customer Service counter that I have something on hold, and then I gave her my name. She went into the back room, or whatever it is, and came back carrying...the wrong doll. Oh, it was a Raven Queen, but it looked nothing like her, because she was dressed in some weird outfit that made her look like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, or something. I couldn't keep the irritation and near despair out of my voice as I said, "That...is the wrong...doll." The lady apologized, and said: "You can go back there and see if you can find what you're looking for." I spun around and walked back to the toy section without a word, but inside my mind I was saying: "Oh really? Can I? Thank you ever so much!"

Soooooo, I went back to their toy aisle, again. I pawed and dug through these dolls and found nothing but the rejected characters that no one wants to buy at all. Again. By then, I just wanted to get a refund on the unwanted dolls and go home, mentally screaming every curse and swear word I could possibly think of. I went back to the counter, reported that I had been unsuccessful in my search, and asked to just return the unwanted dolls. The lady looked up the online order number and said: "Oh, I can't do a return on these until at least 24 hours after the order was picked up." Of course. Why the hell not? I take the unwanted dolls, and head out the door. Again.

As I drive through the parking lot, a little voice in my head says: "There's a Wal Mart just across the street here, you're already in Hell right now, you may as well go check there." I figured, "Sure. Why not?" So, I broke my almost 10 year long Wal Mart embargo, and went to see what they had there. Same crap, different store. So I started on the drive home, and began the verbal rant that I think we all knew would be coming. "What the actual hell are you doing?!? You now have 3 dolls that you don't even want, and you can't return them until tomorrow. None of these stores have what you want, and you can't even order them online, because they'll just send you the wrong damn thing anyway! She gave you her birthday wish list months - MONTHS in advance, and you didn't do anything about it until a WEEK before her birthday?!? What, exactly, is WRONG with you?!?" I went on like that for pretty much the entire 45 minute trip home.

As I started down Main Street, I saw the music store that had the ukulele and decided to stop and ask for the price. I pulled the thing down off the wall, and asked the guy for the price. It was a really nice instrument, clearly aimed at an older musician - at least 12 years old. The guy told me that the price was $60. Not terrible, but I just couldn't justify spending that kind of coin on something that would more than likely get banged against a wall by an overexcited 6-year-old girl. So I went to my mom's house, where I found AJ, being fed lunch by my mom. Mom then offered me some lunch, and, being too tired and frustrated at this point to do anything else, I accepted. I then began to tell her about my day, and when I'd finished, I felt better. It was after I'd eaten my lunch that I realized what I should have done in the first place: Go to eBay. I found the dolls on eBay, and purchased them for only slightly more money than I would have spent at Target. As I bought them both from the same seller, I got a combined shipping rate, and an estimated delivery date the day before my daughter's birthday.

Sadly, when I told Ty about this, he reminded me that it was a holiday week, and the shipping was unlikely to be that fast. Ugh. Are you FREAKING kidding me?!? I really should have thought of that. Oh well. We figured out some Plan B gifts for her birthday, and decided to make the dolls a Christmas gift if they didn't get here in time. Luckily for us, after ordering them on a Friday, they arrived on the following Monday, in plenty of time for AJ's birthday.

Today, AJ was showered with gifts by Ty's Aunt Jitter, who lives in Chicago and LOVES to spoil the crap out of our kids. I mean, she got books, and necklaces, and an entire fairy dress up outfit. I was sitting there, thinking "She's barely going to look twice at those dolls." But we left them until the end anyway.

When AJ started taking the paper off the Raven Queen doll, and got that first peek and saw what it was, she let out this huge gasp of excitement: "It's...it's Raven Queen!!!" She feverishly ripped off the rest of the paper, and started squealing happily. Then she literally jumped up and down, "It's Raven Queen! I can't believe it! It's Raven Queen!!!" Then she opened the Apple White doll, and could not have been more ecstatic. Everything else she'd gotten that day was forgotten. She ran up to Ty and asked him, "Daddy, could you please open these for me?" And then Ty said, "Make sure you give your Mom a big hug. She hunted high and low for those dolls, and finally ordered them online."

The hug and the "Thank you SO MUCH Mommy!!!" that she gave me, along with her pure joy and excitement was all I needed. Everything I had done to get that hug was worth it. And I swear to you, I'd do it again, in a heartbeat.

That, my friends, is motherhood. You sacrifice, you push yourself, you do everything you can for your kids. And no matter how hard it is, no matter what it takes, if you can make your kids happy, it's always, always worth it.

A Small Change, and a Huge Accomplishment...

It happened like a tidal wave, crashing over me while I was getting my yearly Health Assessment from our insurance company. I mean, I knew that my clothes had been getting pretty tight over the past year or so...Okay so I could barely wear my own jeans without discomfort, and all of my t-shirts were cutting into my arms...But it couldn't be THAT bad, could it? And then I looked down at the number on the scale and my heart sank down to my stomach. I was tipping the scale at nearly 20 pounds more than I was expecting! How did that even happen?!?

It was a huge wake up call for me, and I resolved right then and there (this was the end of January, by the way, so it doesn't technically count as a "New Years Resolution"): I was going to be making some changes.

Trust me, I had tried many times over the years to "make some changes" in my health practices. You know, the routine: "I'm going to stop eating sugar, and exercise every day, no more excuses for me!" I had failed every single time, my resolve usually dissolving within a few weeks (if I even started in the first place). This time, I decided to do something different.

Yes, I was going to exercise. And yes I was going to make some changes in my diet. But I was going to add one vital element to my program: Forgiveness.

All through my past attempts, I'd been riddled with self-doubt and even self-loathing. Every time I missed a workout because of a scheduling conflict, or given in to my craving for that irresistible (for me, at least) chocolate chip cookie. Every time I'd slip in my resolve, I'd berate myself and do everything I could to try and shame myself into changing my habits. And I failed. Over, and over, and over again.

So there I was, a few months away from my 33rd Birthday, and I was feeling pretty down on myself. "How could I let myself slip this far?" But then I had a moment of clarity: "Start tomorrow." So I did. I started exercising. I cut out a lot of my snacking throughout the day, and I started drinking more water.

But this time...this time it's just...different.

I allow myself to have treats, just not as many. I still have days when my workouts aren't going to happen, because I'm a college student with two kids and stuff just comes up. But it's okay. I am letting myself off the hook. No more, "Oh! I missed my workout today, so I guess I can't do it tomorrow, either!" No more: "Ugh! I can't believe I had that second cookie! This means extra workout time tomorrow! I'm so disgusting!"

My mindset has shifted, and it's made all the difference. More than once in the past, when I had started to get into a good workout program, all it took was one tiny little disturbance in my routine and everything would fall apart.

Once school started for Fall semester this year, I had to change my workouts from 5 to 6 days a week, to 3 to 4 days a week. Did I have my concerns about whether or not I could stick to the routine? Of course I did! I wondered if such a big change might throw a huge monkey wrench into everything I'd been working so hard for all year. But then I said to myself: "Hey! Three days is better than none, and if you can get that fourth day in there, that's even better!"

And guess what? It's all okay. I'm still doing it. I'm changing my habits, and I'm treating my body a lot better than I've ever treated it before.

Since January, I've lost about 20 pounds (give or take, I don't actually own a scale, so I'm going off what I get from other people's scales intermittently), and with strength training I've got more muscle tone than I've had...well...ever. I have biceps, for crying out loud! I've never had biceps I could SEE before! I've lost about 6 inches off my waist, and all of my clothes are loose on me now. I love the way that feels!

Even more than the weight loss, (which is a big deal for me), I no longer have that huge "need" for sugar that I used to have. I still indulge my sweet tooth, but I can only handle about half of what I used to take in. Drinking more water is really helpful, and I can always tell when I'm having a "dry" day where I haven't been as vigilant as I normally am.

All of this, because of Forgiveness. I gave myself permission to be imperfect. It's okay that I miss a workout every now and then. It's okay that I ate that cookie. It's all okay, because I'm not doing this to match up to anyone's expectations but my own. I'm not doing this to look perfect. I'm doing this because I'm worth it, and I don't care how much that sounds like a tampon commercial.

I'm worth the work, I'm worth the effort, and it feels great!