A few weeks ago, I reposted one of my rants about a brutal murder. If you didn't catch it the first time, you can read it Here.
Anyway, just last night my mind was once again violated by the gruesome, horrific murder of one of the most underappreciated tools in the arsenal of mankind: The English Language. I present for your perusal, a posting by the most recent offender: We'll call him "L.B." Please bear in mind that I have changed nothing in this text. It is all a direct quotation.
"I don't think people ever really pay too much attention to their thoughts. So this was a good eye opener for me. I might start thinking before I act out or say what I'm thinking. I'm more of a realist type of a person on the optimistic side of things so this has helped me see things differently. Maybe the feeling we have as people are kind of like a little angles or devils on are shoulders they ether make thing more difficult for us but maybe that's what makes us balanced out."
I'll just give you a moment to digest that little nugget of pure ignorance....
And now, for those of you that are actually trying to understand what "L.B." is trying to say, allow me to advise you to stop. Stop trying to understand it. Your brain just might begin to self-destruct with the effort involved.
While you shake off that complete mess of jumbled non-language, allow me to do the world a favor:
"L.B.", in the name of the human race, you are hereby banned from publishing any form of written work from now until the end of time. The End.
To help restore some form of sense to the world of writing, I have some brand new tips for people that might wish to save the English language from yet another brutal slaughtering.
1) "Are" and "Our" are different words. They are not interchangeable.
2) Sentences MAY NOT begin with the word "So". I myself have been guilty of this particular faux pas in the past, but after reading "L.B.'s" abomination, you can bet that I'll be more vigilant in the future.
3) "Angles" have nothing to do with "Devils". I will repeat what I have said in the past: CHECK YOUR SPELLING! Always.
4) Do NOT switch back and forth between plural and singular words. Figure out which one you really want to talk about and stick to it!
5) Make sure you cut off your sentences in the correct place and use appropriate punctuation. In other words. Watch out where. You put; that, comma.
And there you have it. Candice's newest installment of Writing Tips for the Language Challenged.
Have you come across a "J" or "L.B." that you would like to put up for nomination as a subject of one of these posts? Email me at thoughtsbycandice@gmail.com.
If selected, your candidate could be eligible for a complete banishment from the writing world along with a personalized list of writing tips for people to avoid in the future.
Thank you for your time. Together, we can make the writing world a better place.
I may slaughter the english language at times but even I was picking up the spelling and grammer. I so hope somebody told this person to clean up thier act.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHA! Dan Brown's Latest Novel: Angles and Demons! Where historic cults meet Trigonometry!
ReplyDeleteI am guilty of starting sentences with "so" sometimes. And I know it's wrong. But sometimes I like to do it. *hangs head* I should be flogged.
ReplyDeleteAlso, isn't "ether" a drug you use to knock people unconscious? I think Curious George once drank a bottle of ether when he was at a hospital.
I love that the topic was (apparently?) the need to pay closer attention to thoughts. I would assume that paying closer attention would also warrant clarity, simplicity of explanation and focus. Ah, but isn't there an old saying about assumptions and asses and you and me?
ReplyDeleteMynx: Sadly, I do not believe that anyone has put enough effort into helping "L.B." change his illiterate ways. Very sad.
ReplyDeleteNicki: I think someone should try to pitch that idea to Dan Brown. It would be an instant bestseller!
Chanel: I think most people are guilty of putting "So" at the beginning of a sentence. It's a very common mistake, but I felt it was necessary to take an extra jab at "L.B." for adding such a thing to his already long list of offenses.
Elizabeth: Sadly, I do not believe that "L.B." was doing a very good job of paying attention to his thoughts. I also think I have heard something about assumptions and asses and whatnot. I think "L.B." can proudly stand in that group of "ass/u/me/rs".
So, what rule of English grammar usage says a sentence may not begin with the word "So"?
ReplyDeleteDon: I'm not exactly sure what rule book says that...I just know that one of my English professors took away points on one of my essays for committing the offense. I still catch myself doing it though. So there. ;)
ReplyDeleteCandice, I fear that educational instruction as been "dumbed down" since I last had any "formal education" over a half century ago and that you may be being short-changed for whatever you pay to attend whatever college it is that you're enrolled in.
ReplyDeleteWhile still in high school we were taught the ironclad "RULES" of English grammar usage, most of which I've probably forgotten. One thing we were taught that I still remember though was to question our instuctors and ask them to cite the "source rule" of whatever they told us about how to use our language. Just taking the word of an instructor that something is true isn't sufficient in my humble opinion because they may not know that of which they speak. Make them prove that they do know.
Don: I never claimed to know the "Ironclad 'RULES'" of the English language (if indeed such things exist--it seems to me that these "rules" are different everywhere you go, depending on who you talk to and when. However, that's just my opinion.)
ReplyDeleteThis blog post, and all comments pertaining unto it have been written with tongue placed firmly in cheek. If anything I've said has offended your sensibilities and placed a dark stain on myself, my school, and the quality of my education, I can honestly say that it was quite unintentional.
That particular professor is not the only person who has brought up the rule that words such as "so" "but" and "and" should not be used at the beginning of a sentence. I accepted her word on the matter, because it seemed to me to be a general consensus between the different teachers that I have come across over my (admittedly, relatively short) life span. My previous response to you was half-joking. I don't make conclusions about things like this unless it's been reaffirmed on multiple occasions and by a number of different people. (I may not question everything, but I'm not THAT naïve!)
Either way, I dearly hope that this won't be your last visit to my blog, Don. I would like to see you around here as often as you can spare the time. :)