But it's also the only time of the day that Ty and I have to be together.
It's the only time of day when we can watch our shows and make sarcastic comments about the actors/actresses and be snarky about the commercials without chiddler-related interruptions. But when I've got an exam coming up, I can only gather up my notes and textbooks, kiss Ty goodbye and head upstairs to our room where I proceed to lock myself inside, surround myself with study materials and study obsessively. On a side note, I hope no one EVER has to watch me when I'm frantically studying. It ain't pretty. Flipping through notes, books, and charts, muttering aloud to myself. Then I start quizzing myself, testing my memory/retention. I draw little diagrams in midair...trying to picture everything and organize it all in my brain. Not. Pretty. I've never made any secret about the fact that I'm a huge nerd, and certifiably insane. But there's a big difference between TELLING people and SHOWING people. *Shuuuuddddeeerrrrr*
Anyway, I went through this ritual for my Anatomy final--but due to the HORRIBLE scheduling this semester, I only had about 2 1/2 days to do it. I usually take about 4 nights to study properly, but I just couldn't do it this time. Anyway, I studied in my usual obsessive manner and beat my brains to a pulp trying to get all of that information in there where it belongs. Then I sit down and start taking the exam and it started off really well. I was just flying along like I usually do--no problems at all--until the Fill-in-the-Blank questions. Then I started to get REALLY scared. There were several of those questions where I just had to make a wild guess and move on. NOTHING was coming to me!!! I don't even remember talking about some of this stuff in class or seeing it in the notes or book. Some of it I DO remember studying, but it's as though my brain has seized up and I JUST. CAN'T. REMEMBER. IT. I finished things off as best I could, but I'll tell you what, I felt sick about it. All semester I had had NO problems with this class. I'm not bragging, but I'm quite certain that I was one of the top students in the class. Then this exam came crashing through and shattered me.
I went and picked AJ up from Mom's house, and found out that her preschool class had had a Christmas program for the parents that day. There was no way I could have made it even if I had known it was happening, but I still felt horrible about it. AJ didn't have ANYONE there to see her singing with her class, because we either didn't know about it, or just couldn't be there. She noticed. She kept asking me why I wasn't there to see her program, she just couldn't understand why I wasn't there. Add that crushing guilt to the way I was already feeling, and you're looking at a pretty volatile combination. It was only a matter of time...
Anyway, since I still had about 20 minutes to spare, I ran home to drop off some stuff before picking CT up from school. I left AJ buckled into her car seat with the door open, ran inside, and then as I started setting my stuff down it was as though a dam broke somewhere. I started SOBBING. I mean seriously, I was alone when this happened, and I was embarrassed by myself, but I just couldn't stop. I was hysterical. It was as though all of the anxiety that I had been feeling all semester and all of the "mom guilt" that I always feel when I'm in classes, and the guilt that I always feel knowing that I'm inconveniencing my mother by asking her to watch my kids twice a week, and the fact that I always let the house go to hell during the semester, making my family live in a truly heinous situation for at least 80% of that time, AND the problems with the exam that day, AND the new Mom guilt that I was feeling having missed my daughter's program...EVERYTHING just came crashing down on me and I couldn't take it anymore. I lost it. I have no idea how many minutes passed before the water works finally slowed down enough for me to grab my keys and head over to the school. But it was at least another 10 minutes before they stopped for good. I think I traumatized my daughter, poor girl.
When I got home, I texted Ty and told him about the day I'd had (omitting the complete mental and emotional breakdown), and he--in his usual masterful way--talked me down off of my emotional cliff and told me to pick a place to go to dinner that night. Feeling better, I proceeded to clean the Master Bathroom. It was in desperate need of attention, trust me.
When Ty came home from work, I was calmer, but still upset. I told him what I was worried about, and he used his best weapon--that ever-elusive beast "logic"--to dispel my worries. He's really good at that, which is very helpful since logic is NOT always my strong point. I'm more on the intuitive side of things...but that's a conversation for another day.
Anyhoo, tonight I went online and took my FINAL final. I have no idea how I'm going to do in this class, I've kind of hated the whole thing, so I didn't put in the same level of effort as I did with my other classes. I'm really hoping for a B. Fingers crossed, eh?
Oh, and one more thing to be excited, happy, and proud about: TY GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!!! Yea Verily! His dad and I had to twist his arm to get him to put on that cap and gown and walk for his diploma, but he did it and the chiddlers got to watch it happen. They might not have fully understood the importance of what they were watching, but I know that they will never forget it. And I also know that they were proud of their Dad.
As the guys were reading through the names of each graduate, AJ kept calling out her dad's full name, first and last, waiting to hear it announced over the speakers so she could clap and cheer for him. Very cute. I'm so stinking proud of Ty. He's worked so hard, and he's done 95% of the work over the last 4 years, while holding down a full-time job and being a husband and the father of two kids. He's done a fantastic job and I'm totally using the internet to brag about him, because I can! Way to go, Ty! You're my hero!
(PS: Don't ask me how I ended up in the foreground in this picture. My dad was taking it, and Ty just kind of told me to jump in. Oh well.)
Way to steal the show, there, in that picture. We get it! You took your final and overcame a breakdown! Now let the man have his glory.
ReplyDeleteReally, though, good luck with the final, and congrats to Ty. I only had a part time job during college, and I couldn't imagine having to go through that all over again with a full time job AND a family.
Hey, I can't help it if my aweseomeness shines forth in such a way that drowns out all others!
DeleteHonestly, we are so proud of Ty. He worked his tail off, and did something extraordinary. I was fit to burst with smiles that day, watching him graduate. :)
Don't beat yourself up. I can't even begin to imagine trying to get through college with a family. I am barely making it through my regular life with a family.
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DeleteI'll be alright once grades are posted. I just get really high strung when it comes to WAITING for grades to be posted. I'm a nerd, whaddayagonna do? Thanks, though. :)
DeleteCongratulations for Ty! That's wonderful! My mother and I had a similar fight getting my brother to walk when he got his Bachelor's but I think when someone does all of that work that they deserve the accolades. And congratulation to you, my dear, for making it through your finals while doing everything that you do. I wish I could have been there to give you a massive hug during your metldown because I completely understand how you felt. You are brilliant and it's all going to be amazing, I promise. =)
ReplyDeleteThanks. I can't tell you how desperately I wanted a hug at that moment in time.
DeleteWe're super proud of our Ty. He's freaking awesome, he really is. It was worth the argument, I think. He needed that walk! :)
You make sarcastic comments too? Shocking! ;)
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