So...I've had a bit of a slap to the face recently.
One of my classes has been studying the process of listening effectively. Mainly, effective listening involves making a real effort to be completely present in the conversation. This, of course, means keeping your thoughts from wandering and doing everything you can to make sure you know what's going on.
The thing that REALLY gave me the punch to the gut was the section on different forms of "non-listening."
Here I was, going through 28 years of my life thinking that I'm a pretty good listener. Not so! I am apparently chronically guilty of the non-listening methods called "pseudolistening" and "monopolizing".
Pseudolistening is basically just pretending to listen. You're looking at the person that's trying to talk to you, you're nodding your head, you might even be saying a few "hmm's" and "yeah's" so they think you're following their every word avidly. In reality, your mind is in a far away time and place, thinking about what you're going to have for lunch, or what happened on "Hell's Kitchen" last night. So when you finally do come back to earth and start paying attention again, you realize that the person sitting across from you has been talking for a full five minutes and is now waiting for you to give a response to the very specific question they've just asked.
Me? Guilty as the guiltiest sinner when it comes to this one. Crap!
Monopolizing is even worse. It's the tendency to sit listening to a person talking about something, waiting impatiently for them to stop talking so you can dazzle them with your brilliance. You know how it goes, they're talking about what a difficult day they've been having and you jump in and say: "You think THAT'S bad, just listen to what MY day has been like!..." This can also involve changing the subject from whatever they're talking about to something that is more interesting to you. Another form of monopolizing is interrupting the other person to interject your own opinions and (usually unasked for) advice.
Do I feel like a complete jerk? Yes. Yes I do. It makes me wonder what people have really been thinking of me while I've been sitting there, jawing away about me and my life rather than allowing them to just talk to me.
Lesson learned? I REALLY need to keep tabs on myself when I'm having conversations with people. Am I allowing my thoughts to float away to a far off and distance space? Or am I becoming what Brian Regan calls a "Me-Monster" and taking over the entire conversation?
Either way, I intend to put in whatever effort is necessary to change my obnoxious ways.
PS: Here's a youtube video of Brian Regan, so you'll know what I was talking about with the "Me-Monster" reference. It's amazingly accurate. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QvSoRQrVJg
I am guilty too, you know that reminds me of....
ReplyDeleteOops sorry I missed that. Lol. Selective listening it gets called in this house. I think we can all do better at actually hearing what people say. Until they say it for the third or fourth time and then we can get away with, yeh, ah huh, you are so right. (well maybe)
Mynx: It's good to know I'm not alone in my many flaws and faults. It's probably a good idea to call people on their selective listening. Perhaps then they'll make a little extra effort. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's not our fault that listening is so hard. The human mind can think a lot faster than the human mouth can get the thoughts out. It's the result of faulty manufacturing. And have you ever noticed that sometimes people will talk for thirty minutes about absolutely nothing? What's the point of listening if they never actually say anything worth listening to?
ReplyDeleteSometimes Padawan and I will be talking, and I'll try to listen, but sometimes my mind wanders and I miss something, so I ask him to repeat it, and even when I'm consciously making an effort to focus I still blank out and after the third time he repeats himself, if I haven't caught what he said, I just nod and pretend that I heard it.
Chanel: Thanks for the encouragement. Listening can be pretty hard to do sometimes, and I sometimes wonder why the human attention span sucks so much. An adult can pay decent attention to something for maybe 20 minutes at a time, on a RELALY good day. That does make me feel a little better. :)
ReplyDeleteIt kind of makes you wonder about therapists, doesn't it? They get paid to listen, but I wonder how much of it they really hear.
ReplyDeleteGood point! I actually considered being a therapist at one point, but considering my less than inspiring listening skills, that may not be the best course for me...
ReplyDeleteI am so guilty of pseudo listening to my husband. Especially when he's talking about working on the truck. Or telling me something boring about work. But, I refuse to feel guilty because he definitely pseudo listens to me, and since I talk a lot he would be the much more guilty party! I've just learned to compartmentalize who I talk to what about. Somethings are for my girls' or my mom's ears only! I can't waste an awesome story on my pseudo listening husband! (As an aside, we are very good listeners-to-each-other when it comes to things we are both interested in or both like, which is actually a lot...just so we don't come off as complete ego maniacs!!)
ReplyDeleteElizabeth: I can definitely see what you mean when you talk about you and your husband's pseudolistening habits. I think most of us are guilty of that one from time to time. I like the idea of only talking to some people about some things, and keeping the really important stuff that you both have in common for talks with your husband. Well said. :)
ReplyDeletewell if you think you're a bad listener, I'M EVEN WORSE! You should hear all the ways I'm a bad listener!...kidding! Not about the bad listener, I'm pretty sure I suck, but I'm kidding at wanting to one up you.
ReplyDeleteI think you're being too hard on yourself. The fact that you are smiling and nodding puts you a cut above the rest of the people who wouldn't give some people the time of day. You do give the time of day. Pat yourself on the bad...now listen to what I have to say!!! :)
Sandra: First off, I say welcome and thanks for the visit. Next, I appreciate your encouraging words and non-judgmentalness (Yes, I just made that word up).
ReplyDeleteI am happy to listen to what you have to say anytime you feel like talking. I'm all ears. :)
Oh, I totally do both of those things too! But I really try hard not to do the latter of the two. Now let me tell you a story...Just kidding!
ReplyDeleteJules: It's good to know I'm not the only one that's guilty of these communication-related sins. I just figure I'm fortunate to be able to see my flaws so I can try to fix them. We can all work on these together now, right? :)
ReplyDelete